Letting Go

‘Today, I’ll begin.’

That was what I told myself. Over and over and over again, I repeated those words in my head like a chant; a mantra. And yet, no matter how many times I did, I could never bring myself to start. The realization wasn’t surprising, only expected. Even as I walked down the white, almost suffocating hallway, I knew that I would never be able to begin.

‘Today, I’ll begin…’

Nodding to the nurse standing at the side of the door, my hand grasped the icy cold metal of the silver doorknob, twisting it to push the door open. At the same time, a horrible twisting began in the pit of my stomach. I walked into the room, my shoes making small sounds as I made my way over to the bedside, grasping the cool metal railing.

“Hey…”

A small smile broke up wistfully on my face.

“Hey yourself.”

He smiled painfully at me, reaching out for my hand. Shakily, my hand grasped his pale one, and I blinked back tears. I couldn’t help but tell myself to be strong, to give him support because I know he needed it more then I did, but it was just so hard.

To see him lying in that bed of white, almost like an angel… it scared me.

“I have something for you.” He said, turning his head to look at the nightstand beside him. “It’s in the first drawer.” Still holding his hand gently in mine, I pulled open the drawer and reached inside, grasping something long and thin.

And then I gasped as it came into view.

He smiled.

“I told you I’d get it back to you.” His voice was soft and soothing; reminding me of the first time I met him.

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“Ah! , wait up!”

“Slowpoke!”

The girl slowed down to a stop, gasping for breath as her preteen hands clutched something. Her eye twitched as she watched her friend run off, laughing loudly. Taking a few seconds, the girl ran after her friend, through many people before finally stopping.

“Gosh , you sure are slow!” Her friend teased, winking. grinned wryly at her, crossing her arms and tapping her foot. Both girls were wearing casual clothing, and not their uniforms.

“You forget. I’m not an athletic person.” rolled her eyes, before walking off while followed. “Where are we going anyway?” She asked. Her best friend swivelled back to gape at her in astonishment, and decided that her mouth would’ve been better off closed.

“! Don’t you remember? Hyotei is going off against Rikkai Dai today!” blinked.

“Oh.” She said, before shrugging. “Well you can’t blame me. You know I don’t care much for these tennis competitions.” rolled her eyes, before continuing to drag her friend in the direction of the tennis courts.

“Only you ,” her friend muttered. “Only you.” merely smiled.

As they neared the court, the two girls heard the famous Hyotei chant, and promptly joined in as she rushed to greet a couple of her own friends, leaving in the dust sighing. She caught sight of the Hyotei team, and Atobe Keigo in all his glory. Rolling her eyes, walked away from the deafening screams.

She walked around until heading to a small spot where cherry blossoms were blooming. Sighing in bliss, twirled around in the sea of petals, giggling at how childish she was being. The item she was still holding was brought up to her mouth, and she began to blow at the falling petals. It was a game to see how long she could keep one of the petals up.

The straw was a translucent light pink, and looped and twirled like a crazy straw. It was her most treasured possession, because her mother gave it to her before she passed away. She could still remember sitting at the hospital bed, tears running down her face as her mother comforted her.

“Never give up hoping for more, my daughter. Because hope is what keeps up going. Don’t forget , because one day, you can pass this on to someone else so that they can keep hoping too.”

She never forgot her mother’s words, and they were still echoing in her heart. She treasured and cherished the gift, and it was never out of sight. She clung to the straw, and with it she clung to her hope.

spotted someone standing near the trees, looking up at the beautiful sakura trees with sad eyes. His sadness touched her, and she wondered if he was hoping for something, or if he even hoped at all. Her mother’s words echoed through her again, and mustered up her courage to step up to the boy.

“Are you okay?”

Her words startled him, and he turned to look at her with wide eyes. tilted her head curiously at him, clutching her mother’s gift. He smiled softly, but could see that it didn’t reach his eyes.

“I’m fine.” He replied. observed his rather athletic outfit, and concluded that he was going to go up against someone. His uniform was a sort of dark yellow, and wondered how such a thin boy could play a gruelling sport like tennis.

“Are you scared you won’t win?” asked, blinking innocently at him. He looked at her surprisingly, before realizing what she meant, and laughed, rubbing the back of his head.

“You… could say that.” He replied. A smile touched his lips, and this time could see it reached his eyes. She nodded, before tapping her chin with a free hand. Reaching out, grasped his hand and turned it palm up. He blinked, surprised at her actions.

“For good luck.” said absentmindedly, placing her mother’s gift in his hand and smiling at him brightly. “Never stop hoping.” He looked at the straw, and laughed again. Clutching the straw softly, he nodded his head to .

“Thank you. Someday, I’ll give this back.” He told her, and giggled.

“Whatever you say!” She chirped, before a shout caught her attention.

“!! WHERE ARE YOU?” It was , and knew she had been gone for too long. Turning back to the boy, bowed.

“I’m sorry. I have to go.” She said, before turning away. A hand grasped her thin wrist, and she turned back to regard the other boy curiously. He was blushing, but only faintly.

“I never got your name.” He told her, and she smiled at him.

“.”

That was the only thing she said before turning away and running off to meet with her best friend.

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“Oh god…” I whimpered, sinking to the floor as I clutched my mother’s gift. It was still pink and translucent, but looked worn with age, and the shape of the heart struck painfully at my own. This was the first time in years that I held the straw, and I knew what it meant.

He was going to die.

“Y-you’re… you’re giving up, aren’t you?” I whispered softly, droplets of salty water falling onto the white tiles beneath me. My hand slipped from his grasp, and I clutched one of the bars of the metal railing, weeping. “You’ve stopped hoping, haven’t you?” I choked back my sobs, covering my face with my hands. My mother’s gift lay forgotten on the ground beside me.

“…” His voice was laced with guilt and sadness, and I snapped.

“NO!” I screamed, pounding on the cool tiles. “This is exactly like before, exactly like before!” I sucked in a gasping breath, trying desperately not to sob. “First mother, now you. Why… just why?” Shakily, I got up on my feet and stared at the figure on the bed. He was fighting to stay awake.

“…” He breathed, eyes threatening to close. I panicked.

“NO! Don’t close your eyes, don’t! Don’t you dare close your eyes!” I screeched, grasping his hands. He squeezed back lightly in reply, a soft smile breaking out on his face as he reached to caress my face lovingly.

“I love you, . Don’t ever stop… hoping…”

Yukimura Seiichi’s eyes slid closed, and he breathed his final breath.

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‘Today, I’ll begin.’

That was what I told myself. Over and over and over again, I repeated those words in my head like a chant; a mantra. And yet, no matter how many times I did, I could never bring myself to start. Even as I walked down the aisle and knelt at the coffin; even as I lay my hand on his cold, cold cheek, I knew I would never begin.

‘Today, I’ll begin to let go.’